Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Read My Lips

You should read my body like you might read a book of poetry: slowly and occasionally out loud. My skin is no novel and does not have a beginning or an end. Feel free to start where ever you like and if a particular passage intrigues you, by all means reread it again and again.

Trace the words across my skin with your fingertips and tongue and lips. You may need to pause on the paragraph between my thighs. Those few lines are complicated and full of words you've never used before and some you've never even heard. You will learn something from my body, if you take the time to study it thoroughly.

I will make sure to properly punctuate my parts so you do not stumble over the sentences. I've tattooed a comma behind my ear to let you know this is where you pause. I have dotted my eyes with exclamation points so when my lids fall in ecstasy you will see what you have done to me. On either side of my lips are parenthesis to denote that what you find between is going to be sometimes unrelated and often obscene.

Read my body to yourself as you fall asleep. Learn the braille of my fingers and hips so that when you finally fade the last words on your lips are bits of me. I will wake you in the morning with a line that is perfect in its simplicity. Like a book you just can't put down, you will pick me up again and start to read.

Learn my body until you remember it completely. You should be able to open me up to the exact page you need. When my binding is worn to hold a muscle memory, choose a new poem and restart the mastery. My body, like language can not be overused. It will mature and change, but never really be complete. There will always be an underlying theme, something you assign to the words spread over me.

Remember I was not written for you specifically. So what you get from me, is dependent on how well you read.

Friday, July 8, 2011

I'll be waiting for your apology.

I am not going to cover my skin so that you feel more comfortable. I am going to hug it. I am going to wrap it in satin and spandex. I will wear something that molds to me like it has been painted on. I am sexy naked and I am sexy clothed. I am not going to justify taking my own photo with a weak "I felt pretty today." I feel pretty most days. I feel fucking hot as hell most days. And on the days when I wake up and can't seem to get comfortable inside my traitorous wardrobe, I rebel against it. I decide that today is naked Wednesday and no clothes will touch my strong, protective skin. So no, I am not going to buy your swim skirt. So that if you accidentally glance at me, you don't have to see my thick thighs slide together suggestively. I will not wear sleeves in the dead heat so you don't have to see my stretch marked flesh. It's beautiful. Like lace and love and pink newness all wrapped around the strength of my muscles. I am not going to talk about what a self respecting fat girl would wear. Because when I used those words I did not respect my self, my body. I was apologizing for my size, for my sex, for everything about me. I was sorry that I was not your ideal of beauty and needed you to forgive me. Then I realized that most of you did not blame me for my own shape. I loved my flesh and bone and skin and that made you love me. So fuck those of you who are disgusted by me. I am not sorry. I am not sorry that I can look at my reflection and smile at what I see. I am not sorry that when I put on my new red-hot hot-pants, not a single moment of insecurity hits me. I am not sorry when I am dripping with sweat from a night spent moving to a rhythm that pulls me. I am sorry that you are not happy. It hurts to see you, half my size and hating every solid piece of you. It angers me to hear you say that you are too fat for your skin to be showing because, when you say it about you, you are saying it about me. I am sorry that I have to lose you as a friend because your insecurities keep hurting. I decided once upon a time that I loved me. It was an easy choice to only feel good about the body that keeps my soul alive, and I am not fucking sorry.