Silvana Kathryn

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Journal of Sorts.

on June 26, 2011

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Dear Yesterday

I needed a place to get things off my chest.

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When Do I Know I Need Help?

Today I did one productive thing. I made a bracelet. I will most likely wear it for the wedding. That is all I did the entire day. One whole hour on a tangible bit of progress. All the other hours of the day were spent thinking about how much I had to do and how little of it I had gotten done. I thought about how it had been a week and I had only pack half a room. I stressed over the realization that I was down to my last two pairs of panties, though I own around 40 in all. I felt like a failure over the mess in my house, and my inability to simply stand up, pick things up and put them away. I thought for hours about how I needed a dresser for the new bedroom. About how much more the bathroom reno might cost if there is an issue with the ducts. I considered for the seventy thousandth time that maybe my mind did not work correctly and how I was going to fix it so I could do something. When my husband came home and started doing some dishes I felt sick to my stomach. Why should he...

The Little Things You Didn't Notice.

We are signing our closing documents today at noon. Despite my sometimes negative view on this house I really truly am excited to have it. There are so many good things about buying this house and then some bad things too. Obviously the good outweigh the bad because here we are about to close within a few hours. This week I have been thinking alot about some very shallow and silly things on the bad list. The house I live in now is cute. It is a 50s rambler with original hardwood floors, a cute semi-open floor plan and very nice 2 panel doors. The backyard has an adorable little tree under which we built a little patio out of random pavers the owner had lying around for years. The back yard is big enough to have big parties and the windows are big enough to see the back yard. I love to entertain, and the dining room is spacious and cute and well laid out. Even though it is a rental I truly made this house feel like our home. I know it is so silly to care about little visual th...

"Hey I Think Thats Mine!"

I am two weeks from turning 25 and two days from closing on a sad little split level house in a sad little suburb with an HOA that I am sure will day by day chip off little pieces of my soul. My husband is a hobbyist musician, but by day he builds electronics for government contract and by night he has epic battles in some very popular virtual kingdoms. I want to say this, before anyone gets the wrong I idea, I adore my husband. James is big and soft and warm and safe. He is endearingly nerdy and clueless and makes me smile every morning. This man, unlike most people I know, is growing and changing and becoming a better person a little more each day. We are married but, going along with the rest of our unglamorous life, haven't had a wedding. We jumped the gun because I had spent the last ten years barely insured and I really needed to visit a doctor. I never second guess marrying my husband, he is one of the most wonderful things that has ever happened in my life. That be...

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